"Sexy" Bacon and Honey Badgers: The Worst of Halloween 2012

WOMEN 

1. I would just like to, for the record, provide everyone with a picture of the queen of England:

Let's note some things about good old Queen Elizabeth II: She is old, she is proper, she is a little grumpy looking. Yes, she is 86 years old and, yes, she looks good for her age. But, sexy?

Definitely, not. 

This little discrepancy hasn't stopped Party City from introducing their new Sexy Queen of England costume. The itty bitty frock's description assures that, even with all the glitter and faux pearls, this is a costume that "exudes absolute supremacy." Do not wear this costume.

2. Speaking of things that are both powerful and decidedly unsexy, let me reintroduce you to the honey badger.

Honey badgers are not alluring. Rather, they are "tenacious small carnivores" and hold the Guinness World Record for being the most fearless animal in the world. Also, supposedly they just don't care. Yet, if you want to walk around Frostburg on Halloween dressed in a short, tight-fitting dress and tell people that you are wearing an adult honey badger costume, buycostumes.com has the perfect outfit for you. Do not wear this costume.

3. In theory, it makes sense. Men love it, so if I dress up as it, they will love me too. Simple.
But when the "it" in question is actually "bacon" things start to get a little more complicated.

Not pictured: Sexiness

A review on the website for this next costume describes the product as being "quite expensive for what it is." Which doesn't actually say all that much when you consider that it is a dress that looks like bacon. Even sadder is the fact that your can have your significant other join in on your pig-meat themed evening with a matching male version. Do not wear these costumes.

MEN

1 I'm going to keep it pretty simple for you boys. You want to look good. You want to impress people. What is the first thing you think of? Is it Alice from the Brady Bunch? If so you might have a problem. 

It's things like this men's costume for "Brady Bunch Alice" that make me want to stay inside on Halloween. Do not wear this costume. 

2. I'm not even going to give this next one a description or a photo or anything. It doesn't even deserve my ridicule or my horror. All I am going to say is no. Do not wear this costume.

Please, do not wear any of these costumes.